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Journal
Thursday, May 15, 2008 9:03 AM CDT
I've been meaning to come here and update for quite some time. I come here and think about what I could possibly write and I just hit a wall. I guess not being able to update about what Skye is doing day to day just opens up the wound in my broken heart. Lately, I've been so busy living, so busy with Liv and Lex, I don't allow myself the time to think about Skye. It's a delicate balance of being able to live on without her, to give Liv and Lex the happy Mommy they deserve, and not feel guilty about being happy.
I can't update about Skye Coley but I do know that she is looking over me and her sissies everyday. She shows us strong signs from Heaven that the path and journey we walk in living on without her is just where we need to be. Liv has been busy with competitive gymnastics this year and just moved up a level. I can't even explain how far she has come over the past year. It's simply AMAZING!! I had so much guilt that she would never get the "innocence" of childhood back after death visiting her life so early and in such a horrific way. Liv lost the sparkle in her eyes the day she asked me if Skye was going to die when she was only 5yrs old. I remember that day so clearly, we were driving in the car, and I pulled over and took her little face in my hands and told her "Yes, Louie, yes we are going to lose our Skye." At that moment I realized I had to prepare Liv and myself for when that moment came but until then we were going to live BIG and enjoy life and that is exactly what we did. Almost 26 months later, since the day Skye took her last breath, 1 month less then her 27 months spent here on earth with us, Liv has her sparkle back. I never thought it was possible, I must have forgot though, that through Faith and Hope anything can happen.
These past few months Olivia has been so happy, beaming, smiling, a regular schoochy little tween. Her future is SO BRIGHT her childhood of all "normal" things restored. She's my straight A, smart, sassy, competitive, athletic, big-hearted 10 yr old. She keeps me going everyday, together we've begun living again, and it is wonderful, also bittersweet.
Alexa, my Boops, She's playing soccer now. My 6yr old baby. It's hard to think that's it's been 4yrs since I sent her to go live with her Dad and Step-Mom, to give her the normalcy she deserved, and the best start at life. Her personality is so unique, she's so laid back, so loving, and such a clown. Last year, I put alot of my energy into Liv. This year, I concentrated on putting our little family in a better place. Trying to piece us back together after Skye's bright spirit left. I've been fortunate enough to see Lex just about every single day. I'm looking forward to this summer when we will be spending LOTS of time together and going on vacation to Jersey.
Our days together as a family are much like any others now at this moment. We talk about Skye when the girls bring her up. Now the the nice weather is here, I've been enjoying spending the evenings outside peeking at my girls as they play together. It's the most fun when they don't know I'm watching. They are loving caring sisters, who will always carry their baby sister in their hearts, and help their Mommy's heart and spirit shine on.
Skye lives on through the 3 of us. I see her in Liv's smile, I see her in Lexi's pouty face, I know her spirit surrounds us and brings the joy we feel when we are together.
March was a tough month for me, right after Skye's 2nd Angel day I got sick. It knocked me down for a bit, but it didn't take me as long to get back up. Whenever my body hurts so bad, or there's another test, surgery, blood test, this or that, I draw strength from knowing that Skye was so strong even in that broken body she was there and so strong. My memories of her flash in and out of my head sometimes 10,000 times a day, sometimes just 10, but she's always there with me. Sometimes, the bad memories try to jump into my mind, most of the times I just try to push them away, others I know that I need to let them slide through and release my grief. I'll be a grieiving Mother till the day I die, but until then I'm going to live BIG with Liv and Lex. I'm going to enjoy every little moment. I'm not going to sweat the small stuff. I'm going to and AM grateful, for everything I learned from my littlest boo boo. Everyone that knew her is a better person. Everyone that carries her in their heart everyday is blessed.
Our future is bright. Olivia, Alexa, and Me. We are our own little family and although we are missing a big part of us here on Earth, somehow, through God's grace, prayers, hope and faith, we are complete. Happy, growing, blooming, healing, loving, laughing, smiling. Our days are filled with laughter and smiles.......and as we laugh and smile.....the memory I cherish the most.......is Skye's laugh and smile.......as I see the girls jumping on the trampoline, giggling, beaming, I feel and hear Skye......We are living, we are happy, although the guilt creeps up on me sometimes that I shouldn't be happy without Skye here, it's just then at that moment....I get a little sign, almost like her woogee woogee bopping me on the head, Silly Mama......JUST SHINE!!!!!!!!!
Always carrying the Mito Angels in my heart.....
Saying prayers that are battling against this disease.....
God Bless and Happy Belated Mother's Day!
Tamm
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